The 4 Cs of Long-Term Relationships

When Gary first started to think about a long-term relationship with David, Gary had already thought about what he was looking for in order to make a relationship last. Gary narrowed it down to 4 key elements or 4 Cs of long-term relationships: COMMUNICATION, COMPATIBILITY, COMPROMISE, and  COMMITMENT.

Communication: As everyone knows, this is the key to a great and long-term relationship. Keeping the channels of communication open, but not just any communication – effective communication by really listening to what your partner has to say and vice-versa. Communication can seem so much easier when you first meet because there is so much to learn about each other. The most important thing for a long-term and loving relationship is to keep effective communication going. This is not easy, but always worth it.

Compatibility: It’s important to have interests, connections and goals in common. People in relationships are not necessarily “joined-at-the-hip” having to spend every bit of time together doing the same things; but, it is important to be compatible in life – especially with major interests. It’s one thing if you don’t necessarily like the same music or tv shows, but it’s another if one partner wants to live in the city while the other wants to live in the country, or one partner wants to have children while the other doesn’t. Being compatible and keeping that compatibility over the long run is important.

Compromise: Learning to “give and take” or “find common ground” is probably one of the most difficult of the 4 Cs. Compromise is about respecting your partner’s viewpoint or wants and having empathy for each other. There will not always be times when one partner – or even both of you – necessarily gets what you want; but, if one partner is always getting what they want, there’s an imbalance in the relationship. Compromise is about what is best for the relationship not just always for one person as an individual in the relationship.

Commitment: The last of the 4 Cs is quite simple but important – being committed to making the relationship work over the long-term. However, commitment is not necessarily the same for everyone. Commitment is all about establishing boundaries that work for each person in the relationship. Some relationships are monogamous both emotionally and physically. Others are monogamous emotionally, yet are non-monogamous physically (an open relationship where sex is permitted with others), but there is still a commitment to make the relationship work. However, regardless of physical monogamy, without emotional monogamy a relationship is doomed to failure. Whatever boundaries are established for the relationship, a commitment to those boundaries is essential to sustain a long-term relationship.

A final point is that boundaries may also be changed as the relationship develops and grows over the months and years, but working together through the use of the other Cs (Communication, C0mpatibility, and Compromise) to continue establishing boundaries that work for each person will create a long-term Commitment to making the relationship work.

We hope these 4 Cs are helpful to anyone looking to make a loving and intimate relationship last. We know they’ve worked for us for almost 15 years, and hope the same long-term love for you!

Forever Plaid

Forever Plaid on 11 October 1995 to celebrate our 1 month anniversary!

A First Love Letter From David

24 September 1995

Gary – I am reading about the effects of cyclosporin A on IL-2 production and CD25 expression (I realize this means nothing to you) and in mid sentence I had a moment (glove time!). David and Gary used that expression to describe how their connection together seems to fit like a glove.

You manage to creep into every facet of my life – so I pulled out your picture and started glowing – I am still glowing, so rather than try to suppress it and return to IL-2/CD25, I’m writing to you about it because it is too good to let go. In fact – you’re too good to let go. I’m going to see you in all of 7 hours and I can’t wait. I’m really, really, REALLY glad you came into my life. I’m glad the bells are still ringing (Gary described the initial too good to be true feelings and possible rebound relationship as cautionary warning bells that eventually went away), but I’m more glad they’re not interfering with establishing a really tight connection (another C?) with you. (Gary described to David the 4 C’s that can establish a long-term, loving relationship: COMMUNICATION, COMPATIBILITY, COMPROMISE, and COMMITMENT).

Alas – the moment has passed, but not the memory, nor the expectation – back to IL-2/CD265 etc etc etc.

See you in 7 hours -

D/.

Old sayings & chicken noodle soup for the heart

Remember the old saying, a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach?

The next day after a great first night together, David & Gary went for brunch with Anthony from the U.K. It didn’t take long to figure out that their chemistry not only included great sex, but also great communication. The ease and enjoyment of their conversation was a good sign of things to come – except for the cold that David caught later that day!

Anthony and Gary said good bye after brunch (Tuesday), David got sick that night and to this day neither David nor Gary recalls who called who Wednesday, but upon hearing David was sick, what did Gary do? 

Make homeade chicken noodle soup.

David was impressed that Gary actually made homemade chicken noodle soup – with delivery!  Although Gary was genuinely interested in seeing David again, and wanted him to be well, there was also an alterior motive – so they could, of course,  get it on once again! 

We’re not sure whether the chicken noodle soup actually helped with the cold, but it did help with the start of their long-term relationship. Again, both of them weren’t looking for another love-interest, wanting to take a break from being in relationships. But, isn’t that  just the way it is? Because love happens when you least expect it!

Actually, Gary was just trying to be nice by providing comforting soup to someone under the weather – and yes, he was also interested in seeing where things might go between them. Yet, they both would take it one day at a time. (O.K. how many tired sayings can you fit into one blog?)

However, that’s how they both decided to take their relationship at that early stage; not by making any promises; not by labelling it anything; not by setting up any false expectations. Just – like the old 1970′s/80′s sitcom use to sing, one day at a time!  Or perhaps you prefer something more poetic?

“One day at a time – this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering.” (or at least hot enough to fantasize about!)  It worked for us!

You are also invited to submit any inspiring, funny, or interesting stories or links about your own relationship (how you met, etc…) and we will post them to connect to your link.

First numbers exchanged: how a moment becomes an eternity

How do you describe a connection between two people that just seems to feel right; to fit like two pieces meant to be joined together? Is it coincidence? Is it fate? Many have tried to describe the process of love – from Plato’s Symposium to Lavender Newswire. According to some people two men or two women can’t share intimate love with each other. We know otherwise!

Gary & David 1st Photo

The next morning (for what happened the night before click here ) – after a night of little sleep and plenty of enjoyment – Gary and David woke up beside each other with smiles of satisfaction and then went for brunch with Anthony who slept on the now infamous sofa. The initial connection wasn’t necessarily anything that would lead one to believe that we would fall in love, but it did seem more than just another one-night-stand. There was a definite repeat possibility, and a definite attraction. But love? Not yet. That would come weeks later.

How many people have been fooled by this initial feeling of attraction, thinking something “magical” or fateful is occuring, “falling in love at first sight” – only to be disappointed when the fairy tale ends? Love takes time to develop, to build, to deepen, to endure. Lust, on the other hand, can manifest at light speed (=lust speed, not to be confused with ecstacy) and is certainly consistent with being a “Mr. Monday Night”. Besides, Gary could hear all the warning bells about a rebound relationship possibility, since David had recently ended a five-year relationship only three weeks before meeting Gary. If anything were to develop, Gary was going to take it one day at a time. David was too busy checking for other phone numbers to think about it.

Nevertheless, Gary still decided to hold on to David’s telephone number, at least ready for a repeat. They had each written on a scrap of paper advertising The Barn

11 Sep 1995

meant for exchanging telephone numbers between interested guys. On the back, Gary had written his number on the top of the paper and David wrote his underneath. Then they tore the paper into two pieces.

DG#Exchange 11 Sept 1995

It wasn’t until months later when they moved in together that they both realized they had kept the pieces of paper – the lust turning to the colour of love. Putting both of the separate pieces of torn paper together they fit together, a glimpse of the developing relationship.

You are also invited to submit any inspiring, funny, or interesting stories or links about your own relationship (how you met, etc…) and we will post them to connect to your link.