The 4 Cs of Long-Term Relationships

When Gary first started to think about a long-term relationship with David, Gary had already thought about what he was looking for in order to make a relationship last. Gary narrowed it down to 4 key elements or 4 Cs of long-term relationships: COMMUNICATION, COMPATIBILITY, COMPROMISE, and  COMMITMENT.

Communication: As everyone knows, this is the key to a great and long-term relationship. Keeping the channels of communication open, but not just any communication – effective communication by really listening to what your partner has to say and vice-versa. Communication can seem so much easier when you first meet because there is so much to learn about each other. The most important thing for a long-term and loving relationship is to keep effective communication going. This is not easy, but always worth it.

Compatibility: It’s important to have interests, connections and goals in common. People in relationships are not necessarily “joined-at-the-hip” having to spend every bit of time together doing the same things; but, it is important to be compatible in life – especially with major interests. It’s one thing if you don’t necessarily like the same music or tv shows, but it’s another if one partner wants to live in the city while the other wants to live in the country, or one partner wants to have children while the other doesn’t. Being compatible and keeping that compatibility over the long run is important.

Compromise: Learning to “give and take” or “find common ground” is probably one of the most difficult of the 4 Cs. Compromise is about respecting your partner’s viewpoint or wants and having empathy for each other. There will not always be times when one partner – or even both of you – necessarily gets what you want; but, if one partner is always getting what they want, there’s an imbalance in the relationship. Compromise is about what is best for the relationship not just always for one person as an individual in the relationship.

Commitment: The last of the 4 Cs is quite simple but important – being committed to making the relationship work over the long-term. However, commitment is not necessarily the same for everyone. Commitment is all about establishing boundaries that work for each person in the relationship. Some relationships are monogamous both emotionally and physically. Others are monogamous emotionally, yet are non-monogamous physically (an open relationship where sex is permitted with others), but there is still a commitment to make the relationship work. However, regardless of physical monogamy, without emotional monogamy a relationship is doomed to failure. Whatever boundaries are established for the relationship, a commitment to those boundaries is essential to sustain a long-term relationship.

A final point is that boundaries may also be changed as the relationship develops and grows over the months and years, but working together through the use of the other Cs (Communication, C0mpatibility, and Compromise) to continue establishing boundaries that work for each person will create a long-term Commitment to making the relationship work.

We hope these 4 Cs are helpful to anyone looking to make a loving and intimate relationship last. We know they’ve worked for us for almost 15 years, and hope the same long-term love for you!

Halloween in Drag

Some guys know how to put on a dress, wig and make-up and look FABULOUS in drag! On the other hand, other guys DO  NOT make pretty women! I think David and I fell into the later category when we dressed up as flight attendant crash victims! We weren’t out to get all glammed up as women in the first place, or win any awards – but we did end up winning second place at a Halloween contest at The Barn (our favourite gay-bar hang-out at the time). We lost first place to an actual woman dressed as Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz who carried her little and alive dog Toto in a basket. I guess the cute-factor of the dog gave her the advantage.

She may have won because of all the friends of Dorothy there that night; but  we still won a $100 prize for our costumes. I even taught David a flight attendant’s shout of commands to evacuate an aircraft with a bit flight attendant choreography (lots of pointing out of your exits…here…here…and here)  thrown in for good measure.

The transition from hairy-legged gay men to smooth-legged flight attendant’s in ripped nylons began early. We were going for that just struck turbulence and crashed look with smeared lipstick (“lips for landing girls”) and torn uniforms. We ended up looking like two rat-headed hairstyled bags in uniform. It was fun, but our feet were killing us in those high-heeled shoes!!! How do women do this? The following pics are the Halloween transition. Enjoy!

Forever Plaid

Forever Plaid on 11 October 1995 to celebrate our 1 month anniversary!

A First Love Letter From David

24 September 1995

Gary – I am reading about the effects of cyclosporin A on IL-2 production and CD25 expression (I realize this means nothing to you) and in mid sentence I had a moment (glove time!). David and Gary used that expression to describe how their connection together seems to fit like a glove.

You manage to creep into every facet of my life – so I pulled out your picture and started glowing – I am still glowing, so rather than try to suppress it and return to IL-2/CD25, I’m writing to you about it because it is too good to let go. In fact – you’re too good to let go. I’m going to see you in all of 7 hours and I can’t wait. I’m really, really, REALLY glad you came into my life. I’m glad the bells are still ringing (Gary described the initial too good to be true feelings and possible rebound relationship as cautionary warning bells that eventually went away), but I’m more glad they’re not interfering with establishing a really tight connection (another C?) with you. (Gary described to David the 4 C’s that can establish a long-term, loving relationship: COMMUNICATION, COMPATIBILITY, COMPROMISE, and COMMITMENT).

Alas – the moment has passed, but not the memory, nor the expectation – back to IL-2/CD265 etc etc etc.

See you in 7 hours -

D/.

The Great Gay Gatsby

Gatsby’s was one of the classier restaurants in Toronto’s gay village of the 1990s. With entertaining cabaret dinners and delicious cuisine, it was one of the favourite romantic dining experiences for many. In operation since 1969, the family run restaurant was touted as a place “ for a night of fantasy that will take you back to the roaring 20′s.” One could have a romantic dinner by candle light surounded by Victorian Decor. It has since been replaced by a predominantely drag and tranny bar called George’s Play - affectionately known as “Play on Church”. I’m not exactly sure why they went out of business, and the location changed hands, but the memories of that night in Gatsby’s restaurant remain an important moment in their relationship.

As Gary was still getting to know David, Gary thought it would be an ideal romantic place to celebrate David’s birthday with a cabaret dinner - considering David’s amateur musical theatre background in performances like Evita and West Side Story, and semi-professional performances dancing and singing at Canada’s Wonderland for a summer in the late 80s.

The evening didn’t disappoint with strolling table-side musicians and a cabaret mix of operatic, classical, jazz, and broadway singing.

   

Although neither one of them can remember what they had for dinner that night, they both knew something delicious and special was cooking up in the relationship department. And since it was David’s birthday after-all, Gary decided to surprise David with a “little gift” – a new watch (eventually lost on a trip in Miami and later replaced – but that’s another story). Engraved on the back of the watch was a lovely sentiment “D heart G” or “D ♥ G” which, if you looked at it quickly, appeared to spell DOG!

***Wait until you hear about our tattoos – which were much better thought out initial-wise, and before the popularity of Dolce & Gabbana’s D&G  (we claim it first)*** – but again – that’s another story!

Apart from the “cute initials” sentiment, David was surprised that someone he had only known for barely two weeks would buy him such an expensive birthday gift. Gary wondered, was it too soon to give something of greater value to someone who seemed more than just another fling? Yet, there was something about David that Gary had never felt with someone else before, a connection that went beyond mere lust - not to mention the great gay Gatsby’s impression that David made on Gary that night. Either way, Gary decided to take the chance – and he’s still glad he did!

It was also a personal moment of transition (perhaps loss?) for David as he replaced his old watch given to him by his ex-partner with the new one given by Gary. Painful? Symbolic? It was the first of many future surprises and transitions to come. It was also the first time David had an entire cabaret opera cast sing him happy birthday – more birthday firsts in later posts!

More importantly – it was their first time celebrating David’s birthday together, and as the song on the cabaret play-list suggested…’twas a grand night at Gatsby’s! A great place to fall in love!

‘Twas a grand night at Gatsby’s

Our songs were flying high

You see how our stars who have studied afar

Have sung out their hearts here tonight.

‘Twas a grand night at Gatsby’s

And you were here tonight

The room was aglow and to add to the show

We hope you have fallen for us

Fallen, fallen, for us.

Maybe ’twas more than our song

Maybe ’twas more than you heard

Maybe the music has swept us away on a night

Too lovely for words

Maybe ’twas more than the wine

Maybe ’twas more than the food

Maybe the reason we’re singing so well

Had something to do with you!

‘Twas a grand night at Gatsby’s

Our song “still” flying high

And now we do hope you will come back again

So bring your friends and stop by.

‘Twas a grand night at Gatsby’s

Our songs we sang tonight

The room was aglow and to add to our show

We hope you have fallen in love

Fallen, fallen in love.

And perhaps we did that night!                                                                                        

A visit to the ROM & our own ‘gay’ archives

The ROM- no, not a computer file which contains a copy of the data from a read-only memory chip – but the Royal Ontario Museum is Canada’s largest museum of world culture and natural history (the 5th largest in North America).  What better place for Gary to take his new “boyfriend” David for his birthday than a museum – right? (I say boyfriend-quote-unquote – because they’d only known each other for three weeks, and not so sure about the label – and at 33 years old why couldn’t he be a “manfriend”?). Throw in a side-trip to the planetarium and you’ve got yourself one “intellectual” birthday celebration!

!

McLaughlin Planitarium Pamphlet

As a note of interest; the McLaughlin Planetarium closed down less than two months later in November 1995. Things come and go, but love lives on!

It’s not everyday you stumble across an entire love story.

Gary can’t recall why he thought taking David to the museum would be a good idea for his birthday, except for his own interests in history. Gary could spend hours roaming the many exhibits of the ROM, and wanted to share that part of himself with David. While David was just pleased to be able to share Gary’s interest – although space stuff is always something that interests David; especially if it’s space-alien babies blowing up a battle star (two of David’s favourite shows) – but this is close enough for now.

So, you may have noticed that the pics included in this blog are the original mementos that David & Gary have kept since they first met over 14-plus years ago, and continue to collect. Call it OCD, call it romantic, call it foresight of an enduring love – we call it The Archives. At least a dozen different scrapbooks, and several large, plastic boxes, filled with the years of a gay couple in love.  We plan to keep contributing to our own Archives and then, when we have loved enough for this life and moved our love onto whatever awaits us next, we will be donating our archives to the Canadaian Gay and Lesbian Archives.

By following our blog we will be sharing with you the many treasured moments and memories of a love story: stories of love, sex, food, death, travel, cats, family, friendships made and friendships lost (and made again), jobs, transitions and transgressions. But we’re starting off with something rather tame and ordinary like an “intellectual” birthday visit to a museum.

Unlike the beginning of our relationship (if you’ve been following our blog so far) – you know that we started off our relationship anything but tame!  So enjoy this little quiet blog before the more steamier memory-storms hit.

Some blogs may be exciting; some blogs may be ordinary; some blogs may be frustrating, some blogs may make you angry; some blogs may make you cry; some blogs may make you laugh; some blogs may make you smile - just like the days and years of our love.

We hope you enjoy, and also invite you to submit any inspiring, funny, or interesting stories or links about your own relationship (how you met, etc…) and we will post them to connect to your link.

Old sayings & chicken noodle soup for the heart

Remember the old saying, a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach?

The next day after a great first night together, David & Gary went for brunch with Anthony from the U.K. It didn’t take long to figure out that their chemistry not only included great sex, but also great communication. The ease and enjoyment of their conversation was a good sign of things to come – except for the cold that David caught later that day!

Anthony and Gary said good bye after brunch (Tuesday), David got sick that night and to this day neither David nor Gary recalls who called who Wednesday, but upon hearing David was sick, what did Gary do? 

Make homeade chicken noodle soup.

David was impressed that Gary actually made homemade chicken noodle soup – with delivery!  Although Gary was genuinely interested in seeing David again, and wanted him to be well, there was also an alterior motive – so they could, of course,  get it on once again! 

We’re not sure whether the chicken noodle soup actually helped with the cold, but it did help with the start of their long-term relationship. Again, both of them weren’t looking for another love-interest, wanting to take a break from being in relationships. But, isn’t that  just the way it is? Because love happens when you least expect it!

Actually, Gary was just trying to be nice by providing comforting soup to someone under the weather – and yes, he was also interested in seeing where things might go between them. Yet, they both would take it one day at a time. (O.K. how many tired sayings can you fit into one blog?)

However, that’s how they both decided to take their relationship at that early stage; not by making any promises; not by labelling it anything; not by setting up any false expectations. Just – like the old 1970′s/80′s sitcom use to sing, one day at a time!  Or perhaps you prefer something more poetic?

“One day at a time – this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering.” (or at least hot enough to fantasize about!)  It worked for us!

You are also invited to submit any inspiring, funny, or interesting stories or links about your own relationship (how you met, etc…) and we will post them to connect to your link.

First numbers exchanged: how a moment becomes an eternity

How do you describe a connection between two people that just seems to feel right; to fit like two pieces meant to be joined together? Is it coincidence? Is it fate? Many have tried to describe the process of love – from Plato’s Symposium to Lavender Newswire. According to some people two men or two women can’t share intimate love with each other. We know otherwise!

Gary & David 1st Photo

The next morning (for what happened the night before click here ) – after a night of little sleep and plenty of enjoyment – Gary and David woke up beside each other with smiles of satisfaction and then went for brunch with Anthony who slept on the now infamous sofa. The initial connection wasn’t necessarily anything that would lead one to believe that we would fall in love, but it did seem more than just another one-night-stand. There was a definite repeat possibility, and a definite attraction. But love? Not yet. That would come weeks later.

How many people have been fooled by this initial feeling of attraction, thinking something “magical” or fateful is occuring, “falling in love at first sight” – only to be disappointed when the fairy tale ends? Love takes time to develop, to build, to deepen, to endure. Lust, on the other hand, can manifest at light speed (=lust speed, not to be confused with ecstacy) and is certainly consistent with being a “Mr. Monday Night”. Besides, Gary could hear all the warning bells about a rebound relationship possibility, since David had recently ended a five-year relationship only three weeks before meeting Gary. If anything were to develop, Gary was going to take it one day at a time. David was too busy checking for other phone numbers to think about it.

Nevertheless, Gary still decided to hold on to David’s telephone number, at least ready for a repeat. They had each written on a scrap of paper advertising The Barn

11 Sep 1995

meant for exchanging telephone numbers between interested guys. On the back, Gary had written his number on the top of the paper and David wrote his underneath. Then they tore the paper into two pieces.

DG#Exchange 11 Sept 1995

It wasn’t until months later when they moved in together that they both realized they had kept the pieces of paper – the lust turning to the colour of love. Putting both of the separate pieces of torn paper together they fit together, a glimpse of the developing relationship.

You are also invited to submit any inspiring, funny, or interesting stories or links about your own relationship (how you met, etc…) and we will post them to connect to your link.

“Who’s this cute, little f*ck?”

The first words out of David’s mouth to Gary were “who’s this cute, little f*ck?” It was a Monday night at The Barn, a local leather gay bar (at the time), now a gay/mixed nightclub.

It was Gary’s “weekend” as a junior flight attendant not being able to hold weekends off flying/working. Gary wasn’t expecting too much action, but he loved the music and loved to dance at The Barn. He also dabbled a bit in the leather scene at the time, and liked a little role-playing every once and awhile.

Gary had met a guy named Jerry, who he had tricked with a week before. David walked over, David thinking Jerry was Gary’s friend and not “trick”, and asked the now infamous question – “Who’s this cute, little f*ck?”

David had emerged from the back room where his visiting friend from the U.K. Anthony was getting interested in a guy named Lionel. David and Gary flirted in conversation for less than 10 minutes when David said – again rather bluntly – “so when are we going to stop talking about sex and go home and do it?” Rather bold don’t you think? However, David had recently ended a five-year monogamous relationship with his ex-partner Chris, and was now all about just having fun.

Gary had split up from his partner of two-years, Benoit, and also wasn’t looking for anything too permanent. Well, 14 years later – here we are. Who knew?

David went back to find his friend Anthony in the back room telling him he was leaving with a cute little f*ck. Anthony decided to leave as well and wanted to bring Lionel along. So, we all ended up back at David’s place.

David’s ex, Chris, was still living with David at the time and walked in while we were…fade to black…

You are also invited to submit any inspiring, funny, or interesting stories or links about your own relationship (how you met, etc…) and we will post them to connect to your link.